Nuggets of Wisdom

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Top 10 Epic Fails Of 2011

No doubt 2011 has been a year of epic fail. So allow me to list what I consider to be the Top 10 epic fails of 2011:

#10: Weinergate “Scandal”

You know what I consider the worst part about Weinergate?

It’s not that Anthony Weiner tweeted his junk to a female constituent. Politicians have always been involved with sex scandals here in America since Jefferson. And for the most part, I could care less. Ron Paul could go Hugh Hefner on us and date a Playboy bunny every day of the week, and I’d still support his noninterventionist foreign policy and opposition to the Patriot Act.

And it’s not that libtarded moonbats like Rachel Maddow and Cenk Ugyur were quick to defend the man, only to wipe egg off their faces once he confessed.

No. the worst part was undoubtedly the Republicans. As was expected, the “Moral Majority” was quick to cast the first stone at Weiner for his lewd behavior.

Sarah Palin’s daughter had a baby out-of-wedlock. Larry Craig was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. Mark Sanford had an affair with an Argentinean mistress. Herman Cain was accused of sexually-harassing two female employees. And yet it’s Weiner who’s forced to resign for tweeting his junk?

For folks who love to thump their Bibles, Republicans are clearly oblivious to the verse about “judge not; lest ye be judged”!

#9: Debt Ceiling “Crisis”

Biggest non-issue of the year!

Yes, you heard me right: contrary to what politicians and the media would have you believe, this debt ceiling “crisis” was barely a “crisis.”

For starters, the deadline had been changed three times earlier this year before it was August 2—previously having been May 31, April 15, and March 31. If reaching the deadline really meant an economic collapse (which it wouldn’t), then financial Armageddon would have occurred months ago.

And then you have the Republicans, who, despite having voted for a debt ceiling extension 19 times under Bush, decided to oppose extending the deadline under Obama. (Odd, don’t you think?)

Republicans didn’t want to raise taxes. Democrats didn’t want to cut spending. So once the deadline rolled around, Congress created a “Super Committee” (“Super” as in “Super unconstitutional”) that would decide how to reduce the debt. But, surprise: after over three months, the Super Committee failed to agree upon anything.

But then again, the debt ceiling really was much ado about nothing.

#8: Wisconsin Union Protests

I could easily list Occupy Wall Street as an “Epic Fail”—and trust me, a bunch of clueless protesters who don’t even know what they’re protesting is major epic fail—but that would be too easy. Instead, I’ll list the protests that sparked the entire protest movement.

Earlier this year, Wis. Governor Scott Walker proposed a budget repair bill to correct the state’s $137 million shortfall. One of the bill’s provisions required public sector union members to contribute a small percent of their salary to their pensions and healthcare premiums (which only seems fair considering they already contribute jack squat to their pensions and only half to their premiums), and prevented them from bargaining for wages higher than the rate of inflation.

Considering how they always preach about “shared sacrifice,” one would think that libtarded moonbats would be fine with this; but apparently, requiring union members to contribute to their own benefits and preventing them from siphoning taxpayer money during a recession is considered “union-busting” and is just cause for mobs (excuse me, “protests”) that makes the Tea Party look like a bunch of kind old grannies in contrast. (Actually, most of the Tea Party is a bunch of kind old grannies. But I digress!)

For an entire month, the Washington State Capitol was flooded with union thugs waving signs comparing Walker to Hitler (who actually spoke highly of trade unions). Public school teachers, many which received fake sick notes to attend, carried profanity-ridden signs and dragged along their clueless students. When the Capitol was finally closed off, protesters broke windows in order to sneak in. (And yet liberals are more civil than conservatives!)

After all was said and done, the bill was passed. But the union thugs swore revenge, as later this year, a petition to recall Walker has been growing.

And how did Walker’s repair bill fare? In only a few months, it helped lead to massive savings and job growth! So to all those union thug protesting this bill: YOU’RE WELCOME!

#7: 2012 Republican Debates

With Obama doing a piss-poor job as President, one would expect a lineup of presidential candidates whose intelligence and expertise would make them formidable opponents in the upcoming election.

What did we get instead?

A Texas cowboy whose solution to his state’s problems is to pray to God. A moron (excuse me, “Mormon”) who opposes Obama’s healthcare reform while his state has an identical system (which HE started!). An adulterer who received millions from the federal institution that destroyed our economy. A pizza man who claimed the Federal Reserve didn’t need an audit (months before the revelation of $7.7 trillion dollars in secret funds). A Jesus freak who claimed that John McCain didn’t know a damn thing about “enhanced interrogation techniques” (despite having suffered at the hands of Vietnamese torturers as a POW). And a brainless bimbo who considers incandescent light bulbs bans unconstitutional, but not torture practices or warrantless wiretaps. (Oh, and then there’s Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman!)

To add insult to injury, these unelectable nitwits appeared multiple times before a live audience on national television to say whatever stupid shit came to their minds (or lack thereof), leading to plenty of lulzy, if not shameful, moments.

And so, as a list within a list, here are the Top 10 “Epic Fail” moments of the Republican debates:

#10: Perry pretending to be offended that he could be bought for five thousand dollars.
#9: Bachmann admitting that the government needed taxes while claiming she would eliminate all taxes.
#8: Bachmann pointing out that Cain’s 9-9-9 plan turned upside down is 6-6-6.
#7: Gingrich defending his work for Freddie Mac, followed by Bachmann defending her criticism of him because Politifact said it was true (which it denied saying).
#6: Cain denying to Paul that he claimed the Fed didn’t need an audit.
#5: Paul having to correct Bachmann about Iran.
#4: The audience cheering Perry’s high execution count.
#3: The audience cheering Cain and Bachmann for their support of water boarding.
#2: The audience booing a gay solider for his question about the repeal of DADT.
#1: Rick Perry forgetting the third federal agency he would eliminate.

Looks like Obama’s getting a second term next year.

#6: Emergence of the Police State

Saying America is transforming into a police state would be highly inaccurate. As of this year, America has already transformed into a full-blown police state!

Hyperbole, you say? Let’s compare what the police can and can’t do:

The police can…

…break down your front door if they suspect you’re destroying evidence.
…search through the contents of your cell phone during a traffic stop.
…use excessive force against an unarmed suspect, then demand a bystander’s cell phone at gunpoint and destroy it.
…arrest a high school student for a harmless prank.
…arrest people for selling lemonade on the White House lawn.
…arrest people for dancing before the Jefferson Memorial.
…arrest people for feeding the homeless in a public park.
…arrest a woman for growing vegetables in her front yard.
...pepper spray protesters for standing around.
…pepper spray a grandma, pregnant woman, and priest.
…pepper spray college students sitting in a circle. (Hey, it’s essentially a food product!)
…pepper spray and torture a man to death.
…violently arrest a disabled man, dislocating four of his spinal probes.
…shot a man for ribbing an officer and claiming he “sucked at darts.”

The police can’t…

…be videotaped.

I rest my case!

#5: Federal Reserve Audit: $7.7 Trillion Secret Funds

How much is a trillion?

A stack of one million one-dollar bills would reach 358 feet (the height of a tall skyscraper). A stack of one billion dollar bills would reach over 35 thousand feet (the highest flying altitude of a jetliner!). A stack of one trillion dollar bills would reach over 67 thousand miles (one-forth of the way to the moon).

Now multiply that by 7.7!

That’s how much taxpayer money was secretly funneled to select banks and corporations over two years, according to a recent audit of the Federal Reserve. To put that in perspective, the economic stimulus was only $787 billion. The bank bailouts were $700 billion. Our national debt is over $15 trillion—though in light of this Federal Reserve audit, one has to wonder if it’s much larger. (And yet folks like Herman Cain believe the Federal Reserve doesn’t need to be audited!)

Jon Stewart probably asked it best: "How the f*** is it that Martha Stewart went to jail?"

#4: Penn State Child Abuse Scandal

Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky was arrested and charged with sexually-abusing eight boys over a 15-year period.

Do I even have to explain why this was a bad thing?

Apparently so, since not only did assistant coach Mike McQuery witness one of the rapes and didn’t bother reporting it, but thousands of students rioted because their beloved coach was fired and arrested.

Perhaps the feminazis are right in accusing America of fostering a “rape culture.” (Nah! That would be giving feminzais too much credit that they deserve!)

#3: Gabrielle Gifford’s Shooting

I don’t know what’s worse: congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords being shot by crazed gunman Jared Lee Loughner, or Sarah Palin being accused of instigating the incident through her “violent rhetoric.”

Okay. To be fair, the shooting was far worse. But the accusations being thrown at Palin were no better.

Shortly following the shooting, Palin removed from her website a map with crosshairs over Democratic districts (one of which was Giffords’). This allowed liberals to accuse Sarah Palin and other conservative politicians of instigating the incident with their “violent rhetoric.” (Because heaven knows liberals have never used violent rhetoric!)

Never mind, of course, that Loughner was inconsistent in his political views (he was a fan of both Mein Kampf AND the Communist Manifesto). Never mind that he was a registered Independent who didn’t vote in the 2010 election. Never mind that a friend of his claimed he never watched the news or listened to talk radio (so how could he be exposed to “violent rhetoric”?). Never mind that Arizona authorities admit violent rhetoric had nothing to do with the shooting. And never mind that few Americans blame violent rhetoric for the shooting.

Such “facts” are irrelevant to libtarded moonbats like Bill Maher, who, appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, said that “the go to rhetoric for [the right-wing] is 'wouldn't it be fun to kill the people we disagree with.'” Obviously Maher of all people is perfectly eligible to preach about civility. This is the same man who called Sarah Palin a “cunt” and “dumb twat,” called the Tea Party movement a cult, wished the Pentagon shooter had killed Glenn Beck, accused President Obama of not acting like a “real black man,” and suggested that Democrats treat Republicans like Tiger Woods wanted to treat his mistress. (Oh, and he also claimed that liberals aren’t as mean as conservatives!)

#2: Norwegian Massacre

Crazed Norwegian white supremacist Anders Behring Breivik, believing that scary Muslims were taking over his country, killed over 70 civilians with the bombing of a government building and a shooting spree at a youth camp.

Again, do I even have to explain why this was a bad thing?

(Big shock: the man was declared clinically insane!)

#1: The NDAA, SOPA, and PIPA

One bill to rule us all, one bill to find us,
One bill to screw us all and in the darkness blind us.

This year has not been a good one for civil liberties. Not only has the police state gained more power (See #6), but Obama extended the blatantly unconstitutional Patriot Act (again!) and allowed for the assassination of an American citizen outside a battlefield.

But perhaps the biggest middle finger to Americans and their civil liberties came late this year in the form of three bills. (Think of them as early Christmas presents—the kind given by the Krampus, not Santa Claus!)

First was the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, which allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely without warrant, without trial, and without habeas corpus. Next is the Stop Online Piracy Act, which gives the federal government power to block access to websites that allows the streaming or uploading of copyrighted intellectual property (No surprise: the entertainment industry fully supports this bill!). And lastly is the Protect-IP Act, which is basically the Senate version of SOPA.

So if you thought it couldn’t get any worse than the Patriot Act or net neutrality, these three bills proved you wrong. They don’t just shove the Bill of Rights through the paper shredder: they shove it through the shredder, set it on fire, extinguish it with the piss and semen of a HIV-infected homeless drunk, feed it to the American people linked in a human centipede, and then once the bowel movement exits the last anus, re-feeds it to them 12 more times just to be safe. (Disgusted? You should be!)

And the biggest slap in the face? All three bills have received bi-partisan support! The NDAA was signed by a left-wing liberal Democratic president, and SOPA was supported by a left-wing liberal Democratic senator. The liberal Democrats take away your rights, and the conservative Republicans take away your rights. Does anyone still believe in the illusion of choice that is our two-party farce?

End the Left-Right delusion! Corporatism is the true enemy!