Nuggets of Wisdom

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Republican vs. Libertarian

Disclaimer: The following conversation is intentionally hyperbolic and features an obviously exaggerated stereotype. It is not meant to be representative of all Republicans--only the stupid ones. The purpose of this conversation is to highlight the doublethink surrounding most Republicans and their claim of "limited government." If this portrayal in any way offends you, kindly hit the backspace button.

Republican: I vote Republican because I’m a proud conservative who opposes big gubermint!

Libertarian: So you support limited government, then?

R: Just like our Founding Fathers: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Chuck Norris!

L: What are your thoughts on our military?

R: I proudly support the troops! We need to support our brave men and women who are fighting for our freedoms.

L: So you support the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq?

R: Course I do! We need to fight the towelheads over there so we don’t have to fight dem over here. It’s part of our God-given duty to protect freedom and spread democracy!

L: And the best way to do that is to wage wars on other countries?

R: Course it is! Nothing spreads democracy faster than bombs!

L: Right then. And what are your thoughts on marriage?

R: I believe marriage is between one man and one woman, just like the Good Lord intended.

L: So you don’t believe in gay marriage, then?

R: Course not! It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

L: So the government shouldn’t allow gays to marry?

R: Not only that, but the gubermint should round them all up and put them in an electrified pen. In a few days, they’ll all die off because they can’t reproduce. That’s why faggotry just ain’t natural. The Bible agin’ it. God’s agin’ it. And I’m agin’ it!

L: What are your thoughts on illegal immigration?

R: We need to stop dem wetbacks from terking our jerbs!

L: And how do you propose we do that?

R: We need to round dem all up and kick their Chicano asses back over the border. Then we need to protect our border by building a fence right across it. In fact, we should build two fences. Have barb wire on both of dem. Make dem electric, too. And then we can dig a moat and fill it with gators. And we ought to have lookout posts with grappling guns so we can turn dem spics into Swiss cheese before they even cross our border.

L: So the government should spend our resources deporting illegals and guarding our borders?

R: Course it should. America for Americans!

L: What are your thoughts on drugs such as marijuana?

R: I’m agin’ them! They’s the devil’s playthings. They’s more of the devil than dem Harry Potter books.

L: So you don’t feel people should be allowed to use them.

R: Nope. They wills mess yous up real good. Nobody should be addicted to nothing--'cept alcohol and tobaccy.

L: And what if someone uses them in the privacy of their own home?

R: Then the police ought to bust down their front door, beat them over the head with their police sticks until they’s black and blue, and then haul their stoned ass off to jail where they can’t hurt nobody.

L: What are your thoughts about school prayer?

R: I believe that all the little childrens should be free to pray in school if they’s want to.

L: So you only believe in voluntary pray?

R: I thinks every morning, our children should start the day by praying to the Good Lord God Almighty and reading from His Word, The Holy Bible—King James Version, specifically!

L: So you’re for mandatory prayer and Bible reading, then?

R: Just like the Good Lord says it in His Good Word: “Train up a child the way he should go…and don’t forget to beat him!”

L:  But what if a student isn’t Christian? Should he be required to pray and read Scripture?

R: Course they should. What do you think edu-ma-cash-ion is fer? To turn children into God-fearing Christians!

L: So let me get this straight: you think our government should force non-Christian students to pray and read Scripture in public schools?

R: Yup!

L: And it should prevent people from taking drugs?

R: Uh-huh!

L: And deport illegal immigrants while preventing others from entering the country?

R: Of course!

L: And prevent gays from marrying?

R: Damn straight!

L: And wage wars on other countries?

R: Murica! Fuck yeah!

L: And you claim to be a limited government conservative?

R: Course I is! I ain’t no gubermint-luving pinko Commie fag liberal Jew.

L: But in what way do you support limited government?

R: I oppose gun control.

L: So you believe people should be allowed to own guns?

R: Just like our Founding Fathers and Good Lord intended. Only a well-armed populace can defeat gubermint tyranny. Guns don’t kill people, people do!

L: Well, that’s one thing we can agree on: the government should not prevent people from bearing arms.

R: Well ain’t you smarter than a steaming-pile of Sunday Morning pig droppings!

L: I also don’t believe the government should prevent people from using drugs.

R: Come again?

L: Or from marrying the ones they love, even if they’re the same gender.

R: Say what?

L: Or force children to pray and read scripture in school?

R: Blasphemy!

L: And it ought to fight illegal immigration by making it easier for immigrants to enter the country legally, rather than waste its time deporting the illegals already here, or beefing up security along the border.

R: The heck?

L: And our military should be reserved for defense. We shouldn’t be waging wars on other countries, especially over vague notions such as “stopping terrorism” or “spreading democracy.”

R: What in tarnation is wrong with you, boy?! What type of terrorist-sympathizing, fag-enabling, pot-smoking, Satan-worshipping, Obama-supporting Commie pinko liberal hippie Jew are you?

L: Actually, I’m not a liberal.

R: Yer not?!

L: No. I’m a libertarian.

R: What in God’s name is that?

L: Someone who believes in limited government, unlike you. I believe the government should leave people alone and allow them to live their lives freely provided they harm no one else.

R: What kind of horse manure is that? We can’t allow people to run around doing Lord knows what. We’d end up like Sodom and Gommorah! No! We as a country need to uphold God-fearing ‘Murican values.

L: And you think the government should enforce those values on others?

R: Damn straight!

L: So you believe in big government, then?

Click-Click. BANG!

R: Hey Ma! I caughts me a liberal. Heat up the stove. We’s eating tonight!