Nuggets of Wisdom

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Sunday Funnies (11/30/2014)

Need a good laugh? We all do. So here’s your weekly compilation of political cartoons. Last week was Thanksgiving, the time of the year when we as Americans gather for dinner and express our gratitude for each other—right before we end up punching each other in the face over sale items during shopping on Black Friday. Here are just a select few Thanksgiving and Black Friday related comic strips.


CLICK HERE to read the rest of the comics.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Seriously, PETA Is Too Freaking Ridonkulous For Satire

Earlier this week, I explained why I was unable to come up with a satirical article about PETA, how the extremist animal “rights” organization was ridiculous enough on its own without having to be satirized. And once again, just recently, PETA proved why this is so.

The organization had a few choice words to say about Obama and the traditional pardoning of the turkey, and, well, the title to the new article says it all: “PETA to White House: You protect the rights of women - why not turkeys?”

Again, is there any point in ridiculing something that is already ridiculous in the first place?

Monday, November 24, 2014

No Indictment For Darren Wilson

Does this news honestly shock anyone?

Folks, we live in a country where the president has the unadulterated power to circumvent due process and target American citizens for assassination if they’re believed to be remotely associated with terrorists, even if there isn’t any clear evidence to prove it. If you’re shocked that a white police officer can avoid indictment for shooting an unarmed black teenager, you’re simply not paying attention. In this country, authority grants you a license to kill with impunity and immunity. If you’re in charge of “upholding the law,” that makes you above the law, and everyone else is freaked.

Again, can you honestly be shocked by this? Because you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.

PETA Is Too Ridonkulous For Satire

Originally, I was going to write a satirical holiday article about how PETA wanted to ban Thanksgiving, and how their anti-Thanksgiving campaign involved petitioning to have Macy’s Tom Turkey float replaced with an inflatable soy tofu cube, but I decided not to write that article for two reasons.

One, PETA (People for the “Ethical” Treatment of Animals) is low-hanging fruit. Organizations like it and Westboro Baptist Church are too easy of a target. The question is not how do you make fun of it, the real question is how does any rationally-thinking human being take seriously such an organization that flippantly compares chickens to Holocaust victims, or protests Nintendo over Mario's Tanooki Suit? The answer is that you can’t. I don’t even think self-respecting vegetarians and animal rights activists take it seriously. You simply cannot ridicule something that is already ridiculous.

And two, as with many of my other satirical article ideas, mine was plagarized by reality. No, PETA is not petitioning to ban Thanksgiving, but they are planning to host a protest at the Macy’s parade over the inclusion of a SeaWorld float—and of course, their protest involves copious amounts of nudity. Because
PETA! (Again, you can’t ridicule what is already ridiculous!)

So from all of us here at the Daily Bungle, here’s wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and be sure to have an extra hearty helping of turkey to piss off PETA.

This Week In Review #04

We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by administering a weekly test for our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. Two of the following news stories are real. The rest of them are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal? (Without clicking on the links or hovering over them, of course!)

Friday, November 21, 2014

Upcoming Dark Stallion Release Dates

Every fourth week, I will take a break from uploading a new Dark Stallion fanfic chapter to give me time to write and complete it. This week will be an exception with a two week break as I will be visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. Until then, here is the tentative schedule for the next three chapters:

12/06: Episode 04: An Old Rival Returns! Xander's Wizard Duel.
12/13: Episode 05: I Can Be Strong. Train Me, Ninja Star.
12/20: Episode 06: Do I Wish To Remember? Searching For Sky Wind's Lost Memories.

Monday, November 17, 2014

SATIRE: Paul Krugman Admits Being Poe, Quits Job

Paul Krugman Admits Being Poe, Quits Job

NYT columnist says he’s not a real economist, but he plays one in the newspaper.

Walter Crockpot
Daily Bungle

Nobel prize-winning economist Paul Krugman has stepped down from his 15-year position writing for the New York Times, but not without revealing his biggest secret: he’s not really an economist.

Krugman, who coined the term “very serious people” to mock pundits who are considered respectable despite holding mistaken beliefs, penned his final column last week in which he confessed to being one of those “very serious people,” revealing that his position as an economist was merely a ruse.

In reality, he never received a Nobel Peace Prize in economics. He never taught economics at Princeton. He never even studied economics in college.

Instead, he had originally graduated Clown College with the intention of breaking out into the entertainment business, but felt that his comedic talents would be squandered working in traveling circuses and carnivals.

So upon graduation, Krugman decided to pull off what he considered to be the biggest prank of them all by passing himself off as a respectable economist while writing the most ludicrous statements.

“When I pitched this proposal to the editor, he told me it was the most asinine thing he had ever heard, and then he shoved the contract in my face and had me sign it,” Krugman said during an in-person interview.

Click here to read the rest of the story.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Guess Which Movie I Saw Today?!

And before you ask, yes, it was epic—not as good as Frozen, but a fair tie with Wreck-It Ralph! If you haven’t seen it yet, by all means, do!

Sunday Funnies (11/16/2014)

Need a good laugh? We all do. So here’s your weekly compilation of political cartoons. This week marked yet another Veterans Day when Americans honor the sacrifices that our brave men and women in uniform made to protect our freedoms. We as Americans thusly honor their sacrifices by refusing to turn out to vote on Election Day, allowing the government to take over control of the internet, and by sending even more brave men and women overseas to fight and die in senseless wars. Wait, somehow I don’t think any of that is “honoring.” Seems like quite the opposite!


Click Here to view the rest of the political cartoons.

This Week In Review #3

We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by administering a weekly test for our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. This week, we're mixing things up a little: two of these news stories are real, and the rest of them are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal?

Click here to see the news articles in question.

Statist And Anarchist: Bill Titles

What’s with the most notorious bills having the most innocent-sounding titles? That answer seems quite obvious: if their titles honestly-expressed their intentions, then no thinking, rational human being would support them.

Click here to read the rest of the newest "Statist and Anarchist" comic strip.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I Wish I Was Born In A Sane Reality

With each and every passing day, I become more and more convinced that I was born in the wrong dimension—that, within our multiverse, there exists a much saner reality wherein I was supposed to be born, but was, instead, by cruel happenstance, born into this insane reality.

MLP:FIM: The Dark Stallion - Episode 03

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic presents

The Dark Stallion

Episode 03: Enter Ninja Star, The Stalwart Swordspony


Last time on My Little Pony:

A mysterious pegasus falls from the sky and is saved by Rainbow Dash. He reveals that he has lost his memory except for his name, Sky Wind. Dash agrees to look after him until he regains his memories. During one of their flights together, they encounter a villainous tengu who forms a tornado with the help of an army of shadow pegasi. Fortunately, the two pegasi manage to stop the tornado before it reaches Ponyville. Will Sky Wind ever regain his lost memories? And what of the tengu and shadow pegasi?


Twilight and Spike were sound asleep in their beds when a sudden breeze pushed open their bedroom window. Through it appeared a dark figure that slinked into the room and toward a nearby table. On it lay a magnifying glass with a purple diamond on its handle. The shadowy figure snatched the magnifying glass and disappeared into the night, disturbing neither Twilight nor Spike from their slumber.


Over at her cottage, Fluttershy was cuddling with Angel Bunny while snug in her bed when a breeze opened her window. A similar dark figure entered her room and slipped over to her dresser, snatching a comb with a butterfly gem before quietly slinking back out the window.


Thursday, November 13, 2014

Our Extremely Low Expectations For Humanity

Yesterday saw two major events take place. The first was the historic first landing of a man-made probe on the surface of a passing comet. The other was Kim Kardashian's butt appearing in Paper magazine.

The good news is that people paid more attention to the historic space landing on a comet over the champagne landing in a glass on the rich heiress’s badonkadonk. (Of course, her ass has since surpassed the comet landing search results.)


The bad news is that this is considered good news to begin with.

The fact that most bloggers are considering this trend proof that there’s still hope for humanity shows that our expectations for humanity are at an all-time low.

Who cares if more people on Twitter obsessed over the comet landing than they did Kim Kardashian? That’s as much an accomplishment as a grown man not soiling his trousers. That’s something we should already expect from decent people in a sane society—and the fact that this is even "good news" speaks volumes about our own society.

Yeah, keep handing out those gold stars to the students who showed up to class but continuously fail every major exam!

FBI: Americans Less Violent, Except For…


If you waste most of your free time watching sensationalist news media and fictional crime dramas, you’d probably fall under the impression that America is the most violent place in the world. However, when you ignore all of that crap and pay attention to statistics, you realize that America isn’t as violent as the media portrays it. Far from it!

Time and again, statistics reveal that both violent crime rates and prison incarceration rates have been falling over the past few decades. Overall, Americans are less violent than ever before—well, most Americans save for one group:
While violence among citizens has dropped, violence against citizens carried out by police has been rising sharply.

According to the FBI’s annual Uniform Crime Report, 461 felony suspects were shot by police last year, which is the highest number seen in decades. These numbers are likely unreported as well, and only includes felony suspects, so it is possible that this figure is much higher than the study suggests.
Statistically speaking, you’re nine times more likely to be killed by a police officer than a terrorist, and yet Americans are more afraid of being shot by a criminal than they are by a cop.

Gee, it’s almost as if our sensationalist media and entertainment industry helps to justify police brutality and fatalities by overblowing violent crime. “Well, of course the police officer shot him! He was a shady individual, and you can’t be too careful about them in this day and age!”

For that, there seem to be only one solution:


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dewitos? Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew?

Yes, folks, this is real. The rumors have been confirmed: there is a Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Now I love Doritos. And I love Mountain Dew. But I prefer to eat them separately. I don’t want to consume them as a whole. I can only guess that would taste like what I would vomit up after going on a Doritos and Mountain Dew-eating binge.

Combining two different types of food can be ingenious, but usually, you don’t always get peanut butter and chocolate. Sometimes you get peanut butter and ketchup—and I don’t even think that’s even slightly comparable to this. I think this—corporate abomination—is more like combining peanut butter and kitty litter, and we all know how that went well in Little Rascals.

Epic Rap Battle: Ghostbusters vs. Mythbusters

It's been a long time since I posted something that wasn't one of my regular features. So,'s the latest Epic Rap Battle between the Ghostbusters and Mythbusters!

Who won? Ugh! Tough choice. I like them both. You decide!

Monday, November 10, 2014

SATIRE: Movie Review: “Big Hero 6” Racist, Sexist

Movie Review: “Big Hero 6” Racist, Sexist

Disney's newest animated feature appears to be progressively multiracial, but pushes the same old regressive bigotry.

Irma Kant
Daily Bungle

The Walt Disney Company has been the most notorious propagator of racism, sexism, and every other "-ism" within Hollywood, and the fact that it markets its movies to children and "families" (dog whistle for "patriarchal white supremacists") make them all the more problematic.

Ever since it was founded by that raging anti-Semite, Walt Disney, the company has been brainwashing children with toxic ideals such as white supremacy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, and cis-sexism, with its movies expressing bigotry both explicitly (Song of the South) and inexplicitly (Frozen's white-washed cast—seriously, being set in a predominantly white country and time period is no excuse for not having a single black character!)

However, the company has recently been trying to whitewash its racist legacy by producing more “diverse” and "progressive" movies. Earlier this year, it announced that its newest princess movie, Moana, will star a South Pacific heroine.

But its latest push at multiculturalism is its newest animated feature, and its first animated Marvel collaboration, Big Hero 6.

Many of my fellow social justice-minded movie critics have praised this film for its "diverse" cast with dynamic “multiracial” characters who defy tokenism, especially since this is the first movie to have a young male Asian protagonist who doesn't use martial arts.

Mic’s Gabe Bergado gushes in his review over how “for once, the white guy is the mascot while every other archetype of hero is present rather than simply 'tokenized.' This squad breaks both gender and race stereotypes while figuring out what's going on in their city—this is what the future should look like.”

Such critics have been far too kind.

This move may try to portray itself as "diverse" and "multicultural", but in reality, it's yet another problematic Disney movie that continues to push the same old regressive crap.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

This Week In Review #02

Once again, we here at The Daily Bungle are administering our weekly test to see how well our readers can discern real news from fake news. Below are five news stories. Four are fake, but one is real. Can you tell what is satire and what isn’t? (Without clicking on the links, of course!)

Click here to see the news articles in question.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Sunday Funnies (09/11/2014)

NOTICE: Starting with this post, my future Sunday Funnies posts will be hosted on my Statist And Anarchist blog.

Need a good laugh? We all do. So here’s your weekly compilation of political cartoons. Time for some good news, bad news. The good news is that the GOP took over the Senate by a landslide. The bad news is that this will accomplish nothing in Washington. The good news is that midterm elections have finally passed. The bad news is that the next presidential election has only just begun. The bad news is the politics stinks. The good news is that these political cartoons don't.


Click here to view the rest of the political cartoons.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

MLP:FIM: The Dark Stallion - Episode 02

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic presents

The Dark Stallion

Episode 02: My Name Is Sky Wind. I Remember Nothing Else.


Last time on My Little Pony:

When a new unicorn named Xander began frequenting the Ponyville library, who he was and what he was researching raised suspicions among Twilight and her friends. Meanwhile, a magical storm was conjured by a kappa wizard, Squish, in order to destroy the town dam. His attempts were thwarted by the new unicorn. Afterwards, Xander revealed how he has been searching for the Amulet of Purity, an ancient artifact of untold power. Will he find what he’s looking for in Ponyville, and what of this new foe, Squish?


Twilight awoke in the middle of the night to use the little filly's room. Passing by her bedroom door, she noticed a faint light shining from downstairs. Stepping outside, she saw Xander hunched over a table, his head resting upon a book like a pillow. Apparently, he had decided to do some late night studying and had fallen asleep while doing so.

Twilight quietly giggled to herself before heading downstairs. She used her magic to levitate a blanket and drape it over Xander's shoulders. She gently leaned over the table to blow out the candle that had by now nearly burnt out.

“Good night,” she whispered into Xander’s ears before making her way back upstairs.


Friday, November 7, 2014

Statist And Anarchist: Minimum Wage

So you say we should raise the minimum wage? You want to raise it to $15? Why stop there? Why not raise it to $20? Or $25? $50? $75? $100? How about $500? Wouldn’t it be awesome to make $500 an hour flipping burgers? Why bother going to college when you can become a millionaire working at Burger King?

Click here to read the rest of the newest "Statist and Anarchist" comic strip.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

States Criminalize Off-The-Grid Living

"If you crazy wacko libertarians hate government and taxes, then why don't you stop using government services?"

Well, that’s what the people at a Texas sustainable-living commune, happily named the "Garden Of Eden," tried to do. They wanted to live peacefully off-the-grid growing their own organic food, collecting their own water, and generating their own electricity.

And what happened to them?

A heavily-armed SWAT team raided their farm, handcuffed most of their members at gunpoint, and seized most of their produce, which consisted of "17 blackberry bushes, 15 okra plants, 14 tomatillo plants ... native grasses and sunflowers.”

Redacted Tonight’s Lee Camp give the details along with insightful humorous commentary on why it’s not easy for people to simply “stop using government services” and rely on themselves: because the corporate state won’t let them!

“There are two reasons state governments are scared by sustainable living. One is because they can't allow you out of your corporate jail. I mean, if they did that, you might start doing other things like thinking for yourself, doubting the ruling elite, or questioning whether Monday Night Football really matters as much as they say it does.

But the biggest reason off-the-grid communities are under attack is [because] they're good examples. Good examples are powerful. They can ignite fires and change minds, and America has often fought against good examples....If the state allows a few people to live a happy life away from corporations, away from slaving in an office job, away from money and advertiser influence, then every other douchebag out there might start thinking, 'Why not me? Why can't I live like that?'”
So why don’t we move away and start living on our own without government services? Simple. Because the government won’t allow us! The corporate state won’t allow us to grow or hunt for our own food, collect our own water, generate our own electricity, or educate our own children. They don’t want people to live without their services because they don’t want other people to realize that they can live without their services.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

2014 Midterm Election Wrap-Up

The midterms are finally done and over with! No more commercial breaks that are nothing more than negative attack ads. No more opening mailboxes crammed with political fliers. No more tires being slashed over cars having the wrong bumper political stickers, or houses being vandalized for having the wrong campaign sign in their front yard. Finally, after weeks upon months of political propaganda, the country can finally return to normal—at least, until the presidential election two years from now.

Anyway, with all of that madness out of the way, here are the highlights from this election:
  • The GOP gained control of the Senate with 54 seats, as had been previously predicted. However, if anyone with a conservative or libertarian-leaning thinks that this takeover will lead to a prosperous era of limited government or fiscal responsibility, prepare to be mighty disappointed!

  • Sadly, for my state, Adrian Wyllie did not win the Florida governor’s race (though he did receive a decent amount of votes, and he has since taken his loss humbly) which means we’re stuck with another four years under the rule of Emperor Baldy Bald—er, I mean Rick Scott. (Though, to Scott’s credit, he doesn’t have an army of ninjas going around forcibly shaving people!)

  • Also sadly, for my state, Amendment 2, which would have legalized medical marijuana, failed to pass. Somehow, I’m not surprised, what with the media pumping scare ads 24/7 claiming that the bill would have allowed felons and drug dealers to count as medical caregivers—which it wouldn’t have!

  • On a more positive note, Oregon, Alaska, and Washington D.C. have legalized recreational marijuana. The good news is that this now makes four states where Mary Jane is legal. The bad news is that the green stuff is still illegal on the federal level, which makes its legality on the state level moot.

  • Wendy Davis lost the Texas gubernatorial race to Greg Abbott. You mean to tell me that you can’t win a major political race on a single issue, especially if it’s an irrelevant Democrat pet issue like the manufactured “War on Women”? Huh. Go Figure!

  • Mia Love becomes the first black female elected to the Senate, and Elise Stefanik becomes the youngest woman ever elected to Congress. The bitter sweet irony is that these two women who made these milestones in diversity were Republicans. Ha! Suck on that, Dems! You’re not the party of diversity after all!

  • Four states have approved minimum wage hikes. I’ll have more to say on the subject of minimum wage later this week with another Statist and Anarchist comic and essay.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Go Out And Vote!

In all seriousness, go out and vote--especially if there's a libertarian on the ballot! Because when smart people like you don't vote, only stupid people end up voting; and when stupid people vote, we end up with politicians like Bush and Obama.

Monday, November 3, 2014

This Week In Review #01

With the launch of my new blog for The Daily Bungle, I’ve decided to start a new weekly feature. Each week, I’ll showcase the headlines, blurbs, and links to five news stories. Four of them are fake. One of them is real. All of them are equally redonkulous! Can you guess which one is the real deal? (As this is the very first time, I’m making this one rather easy.)

USDA Classifies Cherry Coke As A Fruit

The USDA has classified Cherry Coke as a fruit, allowing it to be served in school cafeterias nationwide.

San Francisco Man Sues Massage Parlor Failing to Render Services for a “Happy Ending”

On Monday David Marshall, 33, of San Francisco, filed a small claims case with the Superior Court of California, County of San Francisco against the Ocean View Spa & Massage in Pacifica for theft of services in the amount of $250...$40 for services rendered which he defined as a “happy ending.”

NFL to Study Link Between Football, Reduced Breast Cancer Rates

[T]he NFL, in an effort to increase its standing among female viewers and silence critics who say the league does not care about women, has commissioned a study to determine what link, if any, exists between the NFL’s Pink campaign and reduced rates of breast cancer mortality.

Study: Fear of Ebola Highest Among People Who Did Not Pay Attention During Math and Science Classes

According to the study, those whose minds were elsewhere while being taught certain concepts, like what a virus is and numbers, are at a significantly greater risk of being afraid of catching Ebola than people who were paying even scant attention.

Marriage group endorses Democratic incumbent over gay Republican Carl DeMaio

A national anti-gay marriage group has endorsed Democratic incumbent Rep. Scott Peters in San Diego over his gay Republican challenger, Carl DeMaio.

In a Tuesday email titled, “Carl DeMaio Wants You to Vote For Him, But He Totally Disrespects Your Vote,” the National Organization for Marriage asked supporters to vote for Mr. Peters, even though he “is also wrong on the issues."

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Sunday Funnies (11/02/2014)

Need a good laugh? We all do. So here’s your weekly compilation of political cartoons. Last week may have been Halloween, but this week is when the real scares will manifest themselves. Ghosts, goblins, and ghouls have nothing on negative political ads, naive “low-information” voters, and sleek lying politicians. Sweet Celestia, how horrifying!





















Liberal Logic 101




Saturday, November 1, 2014

MLP:FIM: The Dark Stallion - Episode 01

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic presents

The Dark Stallion

Episode 01: Xander, Lone Unicorn On A Quest


The smell of burning wood roused the young colt from his slumber. As smoke tickled his nostrils, his head leapt from off of his pillow and turned to face the door across his room. He could see its outline glowing red with smoke rising from underneath it.

In a split second, he leapt from underneath his comforter, raced across the cold hardwood floor, and lunged toward the doorknob, which scalded his palm upon touch. Opening the door to his hallway felt like opening the door to an oven with a burning roast inside, as he was met with a torrent of black smoke and smoldering heat that quickly filled his room.

The colt coughed to prevent himself from asphyxiating. With his eyes watering, his eyesight soon adjusted to the darkness. He could now peer through the smoke and down the hallway. At the very end was another door from whence the smoke and flames emanated.

This door led to his father’s study.

“Father!” he yelled at the top of his shrill, young voice. “Father, what’s going on?!”

He raced through the smoke-engulfed hallway and toward the door. With a single leap, he kicked it open.

The study was engulfed in flames that ate away at the old books stored within it. This intensified the old book smell, and combined it with the scent of smoke to create an almost incense-like aroma.

In the center of the room stood a light brown stallion with a wild, dark red mane and a deep scar across his right eye. The stallion grimaced, cackling as he stood over another stallion, this one dark blue with a silver-blue mane and goatee, and lying within a pool of blood.

The colt gasped as he recognized the fallen stallion. “Father! No!”


10 Years Later


Spike, with his snout upon the tabletop, watched as a cockroach scurried across. His eyes then focused on Twilight standing opposite him.

“Ready, Twilight?” he asked.

Twilight nodded. “Here goes.”

She closed her eyes as her horn glowed with a purple aura. Before either the pony or dragon could blink, a glass jar materialized on the table, trapping the cockroach within it.

Spike leapt for joy, fist pumped in the air. “Alright!”

He ran to a nearby checklist propped upon an easel.

“That’s your 50th spell and counting, Twilight!” he said as he marked a red check. “You’ve sure learned a lot since you moved to Ponyville a year ago.”

Twilight blushed. “That’s what happens when you commit yourself to your studies.”

Spike sauntered over to the table and stared at the cockroach trying frantically to escape its glass prison, despite the fact that it was sealed shut with a lid.

“I have to say, though, it would have been much cooler if you made it explode.” He threw his elbows on the table and placed his chin upon his claws. “20 percent cooler if it had exploded in a sonic rainboom.”

Twilight giggled. “It may have been cooler, but it wouldn’t have been as humane.”

Using her magic, she picked up the jar, causing the bug within to scurry faster in panic.

“It may be an ugly Blattodea, but it’s still a living creature, and it has every right to live.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “You’ve been hanging around Fluttershy lately, haven’t you?”

Twilight walked over to a nearby window to open the jar and throw out the roach. “That obvious?”

“I still say you should learn how to make something explode.” Spike leapt from the table and walked toward Twilight. “It would look great on your list of spells. Then again, I don’t know any other pony who knows more spells than you do.”

On that note, the library door flew open.

Through it entered a colt, a light-blue unicorn with a silver mane. He wore a brown jacket, a satchel over his shoulder, and a golden pocket watch dangling around his neck. Though his jacket concealed it, his cutie mark was a green triangle inside a square inside a circle—an alchemy circle. He was slightly taller than Twilight and seemed slightly older than her, but if only by a year or two. His eyes flickered with a serious look—not a mean one, but by no means gleeful either.

Without speaking a word, he walked over to one of the bookshelves. He scanned its contents before choosing a book using the magic from his horn.

“Oh, good morning,” Twilight greeted him.

The unicorn glanced at Twilight, then back at his book. “Morning.”

“Back again, I see?” Twilight commented.

The unicorn did not respond. He walked to a nearby table where he sat down and started reading his book, but not before unloading the contents of his satchel: a notepad, a pencil, and a few other books of his.

“This has to be the third time this week he’s come here,” Spike whispered into Twilight's ear.

Twilight nodded. “Yes. And he always stays until closing. Must be important research he’s working on.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen him around before. Is he new to Ponyville?”

“I think he moved into town just this week."

“What’s his name?”

“You know, I’m not sure either. I never really talked to him.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Spike asked, smacking Twilight on the rump, prodding her forward. “Go ahead and talk to him.”

Twilight hesitated. “But—”

Spike motioned for her to move forward.

Twilight shrugged. She walked over to the colt, who was now in deep concentration, reading his book and taking notes.

“Looks like you’re doing some pretty important research there,” Twilight said, trying desperately to break the ice.

The colt did not look up to acknowledge her, but continued what he was doing. “It is.”

“I don’t think we've been properly introduced. I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

The unicorn continued his work, taking a much longer time before replying, “Xander.”

Silence hung between the two: Xander engrossed in his research, and Twilight hesitating to say something. She had not felt this awkward since she had first met Fluttershy—but to Xander’s credit, he was still more talkative that her.

“So, Xander, just what is it exactly you’re researching there?” She asked. “You’ve been here every day for—”

“Listen, Miss,” The colt interrupted, not in a mean way, but rather in a blunt one. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m busy right now and I prefer not to be disturbed.”

Twilight gasped and blushed bright red. “Oh! Well, um. I guess I’ll leave you to your work then.”

She quietly slipped away and returned to Spike, who shot a dirty look at Xander.

“Well, at least we know he’s the rude type.” He said, hands upon hips.

Twilight shook her head. “He’s not rude, just pre-occupied. I used to be the same way, remember? We just need to give him time. He’ll open up eventually.”


At the Ponyville Dam, the water passed from the reservoir above and through its turbines before emptying out into the river below, just as it did every day since the dam was first built.

But then something began to stir within the waters below the dam. The water spiraled into a small whirlpool before erupting into a large water devil.

From it emerged a humanoid creature endowed in a dark-blue robe like that of a wizard. It was green and frog-like with yellow slit eyes and a yellow beak for a mouth. Though its wizard hat concealed it, its head was concave like a bowl and was filled to the brim with water. And though its robe concealed it, his back had a shell like that of a turtle. In its slimy, webbed-hand grasp it held a wooden staff with a blue sapphire sitting atop it.

This creature was a kappa, and from his appearance, he was a wizard.

The kappa gazed upon the dam mischievously and raised his staff. From the sapphire a blue light was emitted into the clouds above, which soon turned dark. As he swiveled his staff in his hands, the clouds began to circle with it, growing darker and darker. From them roared thunder and crashed lightning as from them poured rain.

The creature cackled in amusement.


The day passed as Twilight and Spike attended to the library. The clock struck 5 o’clock as they began stacking books back onto the shelves.

Xander closed his book and opened his pocket watch. It was indeed five o’clock: closing time for the library. He gazed out the window to see the rain and wind pounding against it, the sky outside darkened with storm clouds. He set aside his book and swept all his belongings into his satchel, which he then threw over his shoulder before stepping up from his chair and heading to the door.

He passed Twilight atop a ladder re-shelving a handful of books under her arm.

“Good Night, Xander,” she said.

Xander reached for the door before replying, “Night.”

Opening the library door, Xander let a gust of wind rush in, causing a paper from his satchel to fly onto the library floor. Twilight took notice of the paper upon putting away the last book, merely seconds after Xander had left. She walked over to pick it up and inspect it. The paper was clearly a page torn from an old book, as its tattered edges and dirty yellowish-brown color indicated. Upon it was a drawing of a crystal amulet hanging from a chain. The words written were of an unknown language, or at least unknown to Twilight.

She ran to the door and peered outside. She saw Xander fight against wind and rain, having already passed the tree outside. She rushed out after him, waving at him with the page in her hoof.

“Xander!” she called.

She had managed to catch his attention as he stopped and turned. Before Twilight could reach him, a lightning bolt intercepted them. Twilight gave a loud yelp as she recoiled backwards onto the ground. Picking herself out of the mud, she saw the nearby tree falling towards her.

Before Twilight could react, Xander rushed in front of her and stopped the tree with his magic. Straining under its pressure, he began pushing the tree back in place and used his magic to graft the fallen portion back on. He turned to Twilight and offered his hoof to pick her up.

“Xander,” she panted, both the fall and the shock having left her breathless. “You saved my life.”

“Don’t mention it,” Xander replied nonchalantly. He looked at the page Twilight was carrying. “I believe that’s mine.”

Twilight looked back and forth between Xander and the page, her mind still not straight after what had just happened.

“Oh yeah, this.” She handed the page to him. “You dropped it back in the library. Not from any book I know of.”

Xander accepted the page and stuffed it into his satchel. “It’s from an old book of mine, one that’s very important to me. Thanks.”

Before either of them could say another word, a pony donned in a yellow rain coat came barreling towards them. It was Applejack.

“Twilight!” she called out to them. “Every pony needs to come down to the river—quick! It’s an emergency!”


Every pony in Ponyville had gathered by the riverbank clad in yellow raincoats. They formed a single line as they passed sandbags to one another, stacking them into a wall along the river, its waters beginning to overcome its natural boundaries. Despite the wind and rain working against them, the ponies continued to fill and pass sandbags.

It was this scene that Twilight, Spike, Applejack, and Xander came rushing into to assist. They were all now clad in yellow raincoats—except Xander, who remained in his normal clothes.

“So what’s going on?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a flash flood!” Applejack replied. “We need to get these here sandbags up to keep the river from overflowing.”

“Oh my!” were the only words that passed Twilight's lips.

“You’re telling me,” Applejack continued. “But that ain’t the worst. There’s a lot of talk afoot about how this storm may cause the dam to overflow. It just can’t handle all this here rain and wind. Taint built for weather like this.”

Twilight then looked down to scratch her chin. “But then why would the Pegasus ponies create this weather?”

Those very words summoned Rainbow Dash to her side. “We didn’t! Not one pegasus planned on having any rain today—not even a shower. What's going on here is beyond our control.”

Xander gazed upriver toward the Everfree Forest where the dam stood. He noticed a circle of black clouds circling above it.

“Those clouds,” he uttered before racing up along the river towards the circling clouds.

“Xander?!” Twilight exclaimed before pursing him, and eventually running alongside him. “Where are you going?”

“Your friend said this storm wasn’t created by the Pegasi,” he said. “This isn’t a natural storm. Someone or something must be creating it.”


The wind and rain came crashing down the hardest near the dam, which leaked profusely as cracks ran alongside it and the water from above overflowed.

The kappa wizard remained floating in the air and laughed as he surveyed his handiwork. “Good, good. Just a little more wind and rain and the dam will completely collapse. Soon Ponyville will become Sea-Ponyville!”

“Not if I stop you first.” A voice yelled from behind him.

The wizard turned to see Xander and Twilight glaring at him from across the ravine.

“Who are you and what do you think you’re doing?” Xander demanded.

The wizard cracked a wicked grin as he faced them. “Oh me?” He placed his hand on his chest and gave a bow. “Why I’m the ever-so maniacal wizard, Squish. I was swimming up this river on my way home when I came across this dam. It was in my way, so I decided to destroy it.”

Xander sneered. “What type of hogwash is that?”

Squish placed one hand on his hip in dismay. “Oh, you don’t care for that explanation? How about this: I wanted to buy some real estate in Ponyville. The location is great, but the climate is too dry. So I decided to moisten things up a little.”

He shook his head. “Look, does it really matter why I’m doing this? I’m clearly evil.”

He pointed to the dam with his scepter. “And in any minute that dam will go bye-bye, along with all the ponies and the town downriver with it.”

Xander’s horn surged with a dark blue aura as he stood his ground, preparing for an attack. “Not if I stop you first.”

With a yell, he launched a fireball towards Squish, who countered with a shield of purple light, bouncing the fireball back.

Xander and Twilight leapt out of the way of the fireball as it hit the ravine, causing rock and debris to fall beneath their feet.

Xander took another shot at Squish with a lightning bolt attack, this time striking the wizard and sending him hurling back into the other side of the ravine and plummeting into the river below.

A few seconds underwater, and Squish reappeared from out of the river, his cloak soaking wet, but his face burning red hot.

“So you want to play hardball, eh?” he yelled, waving his fist and thrusting his staff forward. “I’ll show you hard—“

Before he could finish, he noticed as the dam began to give way, cracking and leaking more profusely.

“Grr, never mind.” He said, fluffing his cloak. “My deed is done. I’ll deal with you two next time.”

With that, Squish spun around like a tornado and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

The dam completely fissured in half and gave way as a surge of water sprang forth, destroying the front of the dam completely.

“The dam!” Twilight gasped.

Xander immediately dove into the ravine. Before he could splash into the water below, his entire body surged with a dark blue aura, causing him to levitate just above the surface. Using his magic, he held back all the water spilling forth from the collapsed dam. His face scrunched and his forehead creased and ran with sweat as he struggled under the sheer intensity.

His horn and body shone brighter as he pushed the water further and further back until it was back into the dam from whence it sprang forth. As his body shone even brighter, he opened his bloodshot eyes and scanned the river around him, finding broken bits of the dam. He closed his eyes once more, and with his magic, began picking up most of the broken pieces and setting them back in place, almost like a puzzle.

Twilight watched from above. She could barely believe that Xander could simultaneously rebuild the dam while holding back all that water. But she knew he couldn’t continue alone. She noticed him beginning to tire and wear out as his aura started to fade. If he stopped now, the dam, being incomplete, would only collapse again, causing the water to barrel back down the river, and taking Xander along with it.

She had to take action. Her horn glowing purple, she picked up the remainder of the broken dam pieces with her magic and set them back in place. In less than a minute, both she and Xander finished putting the dam back into place, and it stood good as new, almost as if it had never been tampered with.

Xander’s aura completely faded. Before he could fall unconscious into the river, a purple aura surrounded him, catching him and pulling him back up. Twilight placed him on her back.

The rain and wind soon ceased. It did not die down. It simply ceased. And the dark clouds above faded, leaving only the sun and blue sky. With Squish gone, so left his spell, and everything returned to normal.


Wrapped within the warmth and comfort of her purple bathrobe, Twilight stood before her fireplace and watched as the kettle hanging over the fire glowed red. Once a steady pillar of steam started billowing from its spout, she took the kettle off the fire and from it poured hot chocolate into three mugs. She offered one mug to Spike, who lay sprawled on the rug in front of the fireplace like a cat, and offered another to Xander, who sat in an armchair wrapped in a spare bathrobe.

Xander accepted his mug. “Thanks.”

“What you did back there was extremely brave, if not extremely foolish.” Twilight took a sip from her mug.

Xander smirked, having already taken a sip of his. “Trust me, I’ve been in far worse situations, and I managed to make it out alive.”

Twilight sauntered to an arm chair adjacent to Xander. “Well, you’d barely make it back to your house alive if I allow you to head back tonight. The rain may have stopped, but it’s still cold and damp out, and after all that time getting soaked in the wind, rain, and river, the last thing you need is a chance to catch pneumonia. Be thankful I brought you here to dry and warm up.”

Xander only continued smirking. “And I assume you want another thank you for that as well?”

Twilight gently shook her head. “No. But since we have some time together, I’d like to know what you’ve been researching her at my library for the past three days.”

Xander shrugged. “If you insist.”

His horn glowed as he took the torn page out of his satchel hanging from his armchair and passed it to Twilight.

“It’s the Amulet of Purity,” Xander said, “an ancient artifact of extraordinary power, older than the Elements of Harmony themselves. Not much is known about what it does exactly. Only a few ancient tomes and scrolls mention it, and they tell very little. I’ve been searching through every library in Equestria for information about it, and, well, let’s just say that search led me to this library here.”

Spike had stood up from his spot on the rug to sit next to Twilight and study the page for himself.

He turned to Xander. “Wow. This must really mean a lot to you.”

“In a way, it does.” Xander replied. “My father dedicated his whole life to finding it—that is, until his life ended.”

Twilight shot her gaze at Xander. “He died?”

“Killed, actually,” Xander replied.

Twilight covered her mouth and quietly gasped.

Xander hung his head. “I remember that night all too well. Some thug broke into our house, burned it down, and killed my father. That page is the only thing that remained. Ever since then, I’ve spent my life trying to finish what my father started by finding that amulet. I don’t even care about keeping it or anything. I don’t even care what it does. What matters most is finding it and fulfilling my father’s legacy.”

Spike raised his eyebrow. “And how close are you to accomplishing that.”

“At this point, the details are still fuzzy.” Xander rested his chin upon his hoof. “But I have a feeling I’m getting closer.”

Twilight returned the page back to Xander. “Well, feel free to stay as long as you need to. And I’ll be happy to offer my assistance.”

She gleefully placed her hoof on her bosom. “Research is my specialty.”

Xander smirked. “Thanks for the offer, but I don’t need any pony’s help. I’m perfectly capable on my own.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Really now? If it wasn’t for me, you’d be in a watery grave by now. I knew you were getting tired back there and couldn’t hold back that water any longer, let alone rebuild that dam. I had to step in and help.”

Xander merely closed his eyes and shirked Twilight off. “Well, it’s not like I asked for it. I told you I’ve been in worse situations.”

Twilight glared at him for a second, but decided to stop there. The last thing she needed was a heated argument.

She stood out of her chair and calmly made her way to the stairs, Spike following behind her.

“It’s getting late,” she said. “I’m heading to bed. Feel free to sleep on the couch. Sorry if offered my help if you didn’t ask for it.”

Xander said nothing.

Twilight and Spike made their way upstairs and into the bedroom.

“Xander’s a cool guy,” Spike commented. “But he’s awfully stubborn. Not too friendly either.”

Twilight shook her head gently. “Yes, but I was just like that, once.”


Moonlight shone through the stain glass windows of a throne room, illuminating the dais situated within it. Upon that dais sat a throne, and upon that throne sat a tall, slender mare, her figure shrouded in the throne’s shadow. The only other feature of hers that was visible were her red glowing eyes.

A plume of purple smoke exploded in the room’s center. The smoke dissipated to reveal Squish, who knelt as he approached the mare upon her throne.

“My mistress, I have finally located the whereabouts of the colt,” he said with his head bowed in reverence. “I managed to draw him out with my magic, of course.”

The mare nodded.

“Excellent,” she replied in a voice as cool as ice. “The artifact he is searching for is precisely what we need, so it is imperative that we monitor him at all costs. Time is drawing near, and soon the Dark Stallion will return in all his glory to reclaim what is rightfully ours.”


Dash: Hey it’s me, Rainbow Dash! Wow, that pegasus came out of nowhere. Good thing I was around to save him, otherwise he would have been a pancake. Say, I never got your name.

Sky Wind: My name is Sky Wind, and I’m afraid that’s all I can remember.

Dash: You mean you can’t remember a thing? Well don’t sweat it! I’ll make sure you get your memories back in ten seconds flat.

Next time on My Little Pony: “My Name Is Sky Wind. I Remember Nothing Else!”

Hey, did anyone ever tell you you’re kind of cute?


My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and characters © Hasbro and Lauren Faust
Xander © Me
Skywind © ex626AKAKeon
Ninja Star © ninjaninjanoob23

Voice Credits

Twilight Sparkle .......................Tara Strong
Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy................Andrea Libman
Applejack, Rainbow Dash.........Ashleigh Ball
Rarity, Princess Luna................Tabitha St. Germain
Princess Celestia......................Nicole Oliver
Cathy Weseluck.......................Spike
Xander.....................................Vic Mignogna
Sky Wind..................................Jason Griffith
Ninja Star.................................Dave Wittenberg
Squish......................................Samuel Vincent
Swoosh....................................Derek Stephen Prince
Slash........................................Roger Labon Jackson
Shadow Mare...........................Susanne Blakeslee
Black Stallion............................Ron Perlman

Two New Blogs

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve launched two new separate blogs for The Daily Bungle and Statist and Anarchist. From here on out, I will be posting my satirical articles and comic strips onto those blogs respectively, though you will still be able to see them all on my deviantART page. Be sure to check them out, bookmark them, and share them!