Nuggets of Wisdom

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Throwback Thursday: McDonalds Supersize

Well, here’s a commercial you no longer see anymore, especially within our Michelle Obama era:

Yeah, remember back when you could walk into McDonalds, and, if you were feeling extra hungry, ask that your food be supersized?

It was only a matter of time until a bunch of dumb, mouth-breathing fat asses began eating nothing but supersized food. Once their Big Macs and supersized fries went straight to their big asses and supersized thighs, they began filing McLawsuits with their McLawyers against McDonalds for making them fat. (Personal responsibility? Bitch, please! That’s so 80s. This is the 90s. We replaced all that with frivolous lawsuits!)

And then this documentary happened…

Movies Wiki

…which struck the final nail in the supersized McCoffin. Now the supersize menu option is pushing up daisies alongside Crystal Pepsi and New Coke.

The bad news is that this anti-fast food hysteria is still thriving under the iron fists of food Nazis such as Michelle Obama and Michael Bloomberg. Perhaps one day, if they have their way, we’ll be remembering the Big Gulp like we remember the Supersize menu.

But even back in the dark era of the McLawsuits, there were still those with enough common sense to mock them. Saturday Night Live did a McDonalds commercial parody in that regard. Unfortunately, I could not find video footage of it online, so you’ll all have to settle for this transcript:
In response to pending legal action, the McDonald's Corporation would like to present the following statement:

"The Big N' Tasty Sandwich is food."

"Scientific studies suggest that excessive consumption of food may cause weight gain. In other words, if you stuff your greasy pie hole non-stop, you’re probably going to pork up."

"The McDonald's Corporation had previously believed that this was obvious to all but very small children and morons. Since children and morons are valued customers of McDonald's Corporation, we would like to point out other potential risks that could be associated with the Big N' Tasty."

"The Big N' Tasty is intended to be eaten. Complications may arise from shoving the Big N' Tasty up your nose. Dropping the Big N' Tasty from extremely tall buildings may cause the Big N' Tasty to achieve sufficient terminal velocity, to injure innocent people below."

"The Big N' Tasty should not be used as an artificial heart."

"The McDonald's Corporation seriously doubts anyone would try this, but, hey, if you didn't know gorging yourself on hamburgers might turn you fatass, then anything's possible."

"According to United States Law, the Big N' Tasty cannot perform the duties of a Legal Guardian. If you were to go into McDonald's and say, "Hey, Big N' Tasty, take care of my kids while I run some errands," you may face legal action."

"Theoretically, the Big N' Tasty could be mistaken for a weapon during a police stand-off."

"Marriage ceremonies officiated by the Big N' Tasty are not recognized in any of the contiguous 48 states."

"The Big N’ Tasty is not God."

"For questions about any additional use of the Big N' Tasty - other than eating, please consult our web site."